FreshWater columnist Ralph Horner shares his stories of growing up in Cleveland’s Goodrich-Kirtland Park, Collinwood, and Glenville neighborhoods. In his latest four-part series, “Things to Ponder,” Horner describes his childhood quest to learn everything he could learn.

Things to Ponder

When I was 12 years old and living on East 55th Street and Whittier Avenue in Cleveland's Goodrich-Kirtland Park, I decided to figure out everything that I could. I spent considerable time pondering almost everything under the sun.

Every decade of life is rife with questions, mysteries and the riddles of life. I believed that I had solved many of those mysteries and I am going to reveal them to you here.

But first, be warned that the following stories contain references to things and occurrences that took place in the 1950s or 1960s. If you are under 50 years of age you will more than likely have no idea of what some of them mean. The 1950s and 1960s were really a lot of fun. Sorry you missed them.

If you don't understand the stories just ask your parents. Or your grandparents. They will know and they will be glad to tell you about it.

Holidays and eating healthy

Did you ever go downtown to see Santa at Higbee’s during the holidays? The May Company, Halle’s, Sterling-Linder-Davis, and Bailey’s all had signs that read, “Be sure to stop in and see Santa.”

How could Santa be in all those places at one time? Cloning? Replicants?

Why was it when you sat on Santa’s lap and told him exactly what you wanted, he always brought you something else? Was his memory that bad? Don’t you think a busy guy like him should have written down some notes?

Higbee's Holiday AdIt would have made more sense to have his elves write it all down in a ledger or something instead of them wasting their time escorting kids in to see Santa. Did you notice that the toys that you got were the same ones that you saw at Higbee’s?

Is it a coincidence, or maybe Santa made toys for Higbee’s too. Why would anybody spend hard-earned cash to buy toys from Higbee’s when the same toys were going to be passed out free by Santa on Christmas Eve?

This is not good economics. Maybe this is what caused the Depression.

Did Santa always seem to eat every last cookie you left out for him on Christmas Eve? It’s no wonder he looks so fat in his pictures. Also, would you eat something that didn’t have a package with nutritional information on the back? He didn’t know what was in those cookies, did you?

Tell your children to leave him some yogurt and a couple of Wheat Thins crackers. He would be healthier, and his waist line wouldn’t be so gargantuan.

What would you have done if, when you said, “Trick or treat” on Halloween and the person at the door said, “I’ll take a trick.?”

Or, if when you said, “Trick or treat, smell my feet?” And the person at the door said, “Oh, may I?”

How afraid would you be if you knocked a door and said, “Want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?” And the person answered, “Oh my yes, cookies made out of Girl Scouts are my favorite!”

You never know what kind of a pervert you are going to run into on Halloween. Be careful about what door you knock on.

Do you remember when you were at the dinner table how your mother always told you to, “Sit up straight and eat your vegetables?”

Do you recall the old movies about Romans when they ate lying around on couches? Do you remember seeing any of them eating peas, carrots or broccoli? No you did not! Have you seen any ancient Romans around lately? No you have not! So you better sit up straight and eat your vegetables.

Local television

Of all the basic truisms expounded by Captain Penny (Ronald A. Penfound), what was the most profound?

Answer: You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool Mom.

A fool may think he has successfully fooled Mom, but when the truth is known he may be described by the Latin term, “Scorchidus Whitebreadius” (Burnt toast).

Who would win in a fight between Captain Penny and Barnaby (Linn Sheldon)? That would not be fair! Captain Penny was big enough and strong enough to drive a train and Barnaby was just an elf.

Why was it so quiet on the streets of Cleveland from 12 p.m. to 1 p.m. on Sundays in the 1950s? Although no one would admit it; whether you were Black or white; rich or poor; Polish or Native American; or lived in Parma, or lived in Shaker Heights—when it was noon on Sunday everyone was watching “The Gene Carroll Amateur Hour.” You were too, weren’t you? Don’t lie!

Why did everyone watch “Polka Varieties” after the Gene Carroll Amateur Hour was over? Because there were only three channels, and the remote wasn’t invented yet. Why get up and change the channel when the only things on were “Meet the Press” and Bishop Sheen’s “Life is Worth Living” series?

Euclid Beach

The main entrance to Euclid Beach was on Lake Shore Boulevard near East 156th Street. To get there we would get on the Euclid Beach street car that went under the famous arch and right into the park.

Euclid Beach Roller Coaster 1961When I was a teenager, some of my corner boys had the use of a car occasionally. We would go almost every night if we had wheels. How could we afford to go so often? The admission price was very agreeable: FREE.

If you didn’t have any money, you could just enjoy the ambience and harass girls. You had to buy five-cent tickets to get on the rides. The costliest ride was five tickets. If you had a few bucks, you could go on rides until you threw up—especially if you ate a hot dog, French fries, saltwater taffy, cotton candy, popcorn and frozen custard.

The best ride was the “Laff-In-The-Dark.” It was sort of like a scary funhouse where things jumped out at you from the dark as you rode through in a golf cart on a track. If you took a girl on that ride, you were almost guaranteed that she would throw her arms around you in fright. The most unpleasant thing was “Laughing Sal”—the fat, ugly automaton in front of the Funhouse. She was freaky, even for teenage tough guys.

Note: The photos of the Euclid Beach roller coaster, the Higbee’s Holiday Ad, and “Polka Varieties” were provided courtesy of Cleveland Historical at Cleveland State University’s Center for Public History + Digital Humanities.